I Know by BeautifullyUglee

I know many things to be true:

I know that I am loved

Even if not by myself.

I know that 

I have incredible balance,

I can bounce back ,

and thrive under chaos.

That I have a lot of trauma 

to work through.

I have attachment issues

and no longer understand 

what love truly feels like,

because I don’t trust myself 

to know what that is.

I know that even if I don’t love a partner,

I can always love the people who raised me.

That they wait in the dark 

under blankets of stars 

in the deep east;

praying for me before sunrise, 

while I’m still sleeping.

That I’m depressed and lonely as fuck 

wondering why nobody wants me, but

I know that I forget to call

my mother and father 

and that I’m still hurting.

Because I was unable to finish school

due to their complicated divorce.

I know that I have all this pent up frustration

that I have yet to fully let go.

Because every day 

my lifestyle reflects circumstances 

that I didn’t get to make choices in.

That I was left fleeing and surviving;

And that every single day I’m reminded

How my small choices are what gets me by.

And that I don’t deserve to

carry guilt or shame.

That I don’t point my finger 

at my ancestors and relatives 

for doing what they did to survive. 

I know that things will get better;

That I’m doing the work now,

Even when it’s painful.

I know that even if I don’t love myself,

I can still love those who love me.

I can love the earth that grounds me,

The rain that cleanses us, and

The sky which energizes and rests me.

I can love the world around us and 

the world in you and I.

I know that I can still love.

I know these things to be true.

@beautifullyuglee (She/They) is an Indigenous artist and writer. She comes from the Diné, Chiricahua Apache, Hopi, and Zuni people. She hopes to explore the stigmatized and wounded places of her body that carry shame and guilt. Her most current poems and pieces work toward healing by moving through the grieving process and returning to matriarchal teachings of love and K’é. While born in Southern California, her family comes from Cow Springs, Arizona. @beautifullyuglee now writes in the rainy city of Portland, Oregon. The art on the cover, by Adina Farinango, is featured in THE VISUAL.